The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
