i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
