Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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