i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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