So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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