i barfeds in our rink
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize