I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
