she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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