Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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