just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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