Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
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