Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
