woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
