I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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