Barsexuality is the new black.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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