Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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