Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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