Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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