Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
