Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
