If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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