does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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