he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
