I CAN MOONWALK!
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
