Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I have peed in a lot of sinks
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
