She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
