My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Randomize
