my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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