Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
