he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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