I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize