He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
