my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
