So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
So much Jack, so little girl.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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