did you get engaged???
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
