Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
