I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
