just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
