Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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