well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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