I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
