everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
