i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
