my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
