My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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