I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
