meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
