how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Randomize
