So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
