I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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