I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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