whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
