We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
