just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
