How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Two words: nipple clamps
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