We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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