You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Randomize
