Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
