She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
