ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
